I had an interesting day today. Lately, I have been thinking on the subject of selfishness. How much is too much to ask from someone else, when you're in a relationship? When it comes to needs, how many needs are too much for either person to seek satisfaction of from the person they're with? On the contrary, what's too little? How can you express your needs in a relationship? I have found some information on relationship needs. I will cite the source here for copyright purposes as well. 1“Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?” by B. P. Acevedo and A. Aron. Review of General Psychology 13:59-65. (2009).
The seven basic needs:
1.) Respect
"These are all ways to show respect. Respect is the basic protocol of all positive human relationships. It is part of the Golden Rule—treating others as you would be treated. To show respect to another person is to recognize their basic value and goodness, to honor their rights and abilities, to meet your obligations toward them, to be honest with them, and to make every proper attempt to accommodate them and show deference to their wishes."
2.) Appreciation
"Appreciation is critical to the health of any relationship in which people are expected to give service without formal payment. Many business relationships can survive without it—friendships and marriages cannot. A lack of appreciation from you leaves your mate feeling taken for granted, or un-appreciated. Such a feeling quickly kills romance. A married couple sharing responsibilities of home and family must continuously express appreciation to each other in order for their romance to survive and grow. Your mate needs your unambiguous spoken or written expressions of appreciation on a daily basis. Occasionally accompanying those words with a token gift is also important."
3.) Companionship
Good companions enjoy spending time together in conversation and recreational activities. As a general rule, spouses should be able to look forward to the next time they will be together, rather than dreading it. Time spent enjoyably together builds and strengthens the marital relationship. Conversely, the lack of companionship in a marriage can produce deep loneliness in both spouses.
Researchers have found through controlled experiments (substantiated by surveys)1 that participation in novel and exciting activities together can cause couples to feel greater satisfaction in their relationships. The research suggests that trying new, jointly chosen recreational activities together can help sustain and increase romance in marriage. Other research suggests that it is important that couples participate together in recreational activities that both enjoy. In one study,2 the more time couples spent together in activities that only the husband liked, the less happy they became. Similarly, the more time husbands spent in recreational activities without their wives, the less happy their marriages became.
1“Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality” by A. Aron, C. C. Norman, E. N. Aron, C. McKenna and R. E. Heyman. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78:273-284 (2000).
2“Compatibility, leisure, and satisfaction in marital relationships” by D. W. Crawford, R. M. Houts, T. L. Huston and L. J. George. Journal of Marriage and the Family 64:433-449. (2002).
4.) Spiritual solidarity
Companions who have spiritual solidarity have similar values; or where those differ, they try to understand each others values and support each other in them, rather than trying to undermine them. They have similar understandings of their purposes in life, and of what is really important.
Spiritual solidarity is necessary if two people are to trust each other implicitly. Friends become true friends or soul mates when they discover or develop spiritual solidarity. Such implicit trust and true friendship is essential to the creation of a full-splendored marriage.
An important aspect of spiritual solidarity for many couples is working together in the raising and disciplining of their children.
Spiritual: of or pertaining to the moral feelings.—Webster Dictionary, 1913
Moral: the doctrine or practice of the duties of life; manner of living as regards right and wrong; conduct; behavior.—Webster Dictionary, 1913
Solidarity: an identity or coincidence of interests, purposes, or sympathies among the members of a group: oneness, union, unity.—Bartelby.com
5.) Domestic support
Every romance needs a home. Building that home involves bringing in a steady and sufficient income; making ends meet and saving for the future by using a budget; keeping the house clean, comfortable, and in good repair; maintaining the yard; shopping for necessities; preparing meals; etc. A husband and wife give each other domestic support as they work together to address these needs. They must share the workload so that both are able to get needed rest and relaxation.
Domestic: of or pertaining to the home, the household, household affairs, or the family.—Infoplease.com
6.) To feel cherished
Every man and woman needs to be the best friend and highest earthly priority of his or her mate. To have this need met is to feel cherished. As your mate's husband or wife, you are the only one who is in a position to fully meet this need. Your mate must be your first priority if your marriage is to be all that it can be. The needs of your mate must be more important to you than those of your friends, family, work, hobbies, or children.
Cherish: to hold dear; to embrace with interest.—Webster Dictionary, 1913
7.) Sensuous affection
Sensuous affection is the communication of loving feelings through the physical senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch) rather than through the intellect. It may be used as a means to help meet your mate's other relationship needs. For example, you might use tender touches and softly spoken words to help your mate feel cherished or appreciated. However, sensuous affection is an important need in its own right. It is a gift of pleasure that helps your mate feel good physically and emotionally. Each time it is appropriately given, it serves to strengthen emotional ties and increase mutual good will between you and your mate. It is a powerful glue that can bind two hearts together. It can also be an effective lubricant that diffuses tension and helps each partner to be patient with the little irritations that naturally occur when two very different individuals are living together. A married couple can strengthen and enliven their romance by sharing the pleasures of sensuous affection.
_____________________________________________whew!__________________that's a lot of reading, I apologize..._______________________________
But really, though... It's great to see what others' have thought up as far as what the basic needs in a relationship are. I think I was thinking more like loyalty, trust, etc. but after thinking about it, I realize that if those 7 needs were already being met, then surely feelings of trust would naturally be there already. (right?)
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